Grief

I know I don't update this as I should but this is my sounding board. I write down what is going thru my mind at times when I'm being reflective. 

Today is a sad, sad, sad day. My youngest daughter Madison gave birth today to her 21 week old baby. The baby, Princess, did not make it. Madison is consumed with grief and it is breaking my heart into a million pieces to witness it. I hurt when she hurts, it's just the way it is. I want to be able to ease or remove her pain, but there is no way or no words that will do that.

 I can't say I know what she is going thru, because I have not lost a child or had a life inside me. I know that I would be totally devastated if something were to happen to her or her sister, God forbid. I am grieving my grand daughter, and my heart aches badly and I am saddened by the knowledge I will never get to play with her like I do my other grand baby Ava. I was so looking forward to spoiling her as much as I could. God will have to do that now, for me.

I worry that this will be the catalyst of Madison falling into depression and losing herself. It's easy to say " You'll get thru this.", when it's just as likely she won't. She will never be the same, ever again. If she does come thru it, it will be with a big hole in her heart and life. I know that my love and support will be helpful and critical to her well being, I just pray that our collective love is enough to do that. 

Grief is a natural process to the situation. And it takes time to ease that grief, but it never truly goes away. It is always right there, in the corner of your heart, waiting to twist it into a knot, and knocking you for a loop.

I love you, Princess, with all of my heart! While God takes care of you, He and I will be watching over Mommy!

Road trips

I am in Franklin, Tennessee near the end of a road trip with my best friends. We try to do one every year. We have a good time being together and riding our bikes to new and familiar places. This year is especially sweet as my buddies Danny and Carol are able to join us again. They did not make it last year as Danny had some health issues. 

Whenever you have a group of people riding there is always a certain amount of confusion and aggravation. I don't seem to be handling it too well this year. My patience level is extremely low and I am being difficult with my friends. Even though we set out to not have plans for being anywhere in particular on any given day or time, I still like to have a general idea of where we are going to wind up, it helps me plan out the ride as It seems I have been tasked as Road Captain. My friends don't seem to realize the stress they put on me to get them from one place to another with a minimal amount of fuss.

So, when we set out to go somewhere I don't want to be hit with a change of plans mid stream.  I guess I need to be a little more flexible, but it's aggravating still. I know my Diabetes causes me to be irritable and doesn't help either. I don't mean to be ornery, I just can't help it......

But overall, I enjoy being with them and doing exactly what we are doing, sharing good times and building memories. All of the little frustrations will be forgotten by the end of the trip and we will start looking forward to next years trip. Cycle to be repeated as long as the good Lord allows us to throw a leg over a seat! Because in the end, there is no place I'd rather be.....

Day ride- decompression

Every now and then, you just have to get away from all the bullshit at work. Take a day off and go riding. Doesn't have to be to anywhere specific, or of any distance. Just a day of relaxation. That's what today is, a day away from the stress, drama, and aggravation. Out riding with my buddy James. Eating lunch at Ozone Pizza, one of my favorite places in town. Kinda cool out but not too bad. These are the moments to live for!!!!!

Assholes....

You know, I have ran across some assholes in my life. I've even been an asshole myself before. Truth be known, I have been called that more times than I can remember..... But occasionally I reflect back on those times and question myself as to what I could have done differently. Introspection is a bitch, but necessary for growth. It paid off today
when dealing with one of the biggest assholes I know. Normally I would have lost my temper and reverted to hurling profanities just moments after getting shitty attitude from this short, fat, pencil dick, mother fucker. But today, I managed to not lose my temper and revert to my base instincts, and cuss the idiot out!! See, there is something to be said for introspection and growth!!! I now wait to express my frustrations in writing for this blog...... What was that Charlie Sheen said.... WINNING!!!

 My baby girl, Ava Rose is 3 years old now. Talk about Deja Vu! She looks so much like her Mom when she was this age it's not funny! She also has her very own personality with plenty of traits inherited from her Nana and Pop-Pop. More from her Nana though, waaaaay more.......

 She still has total control over my heart and rules supreme over my thoughts and affections. She loves to tease me when I go to see her and will run to her Nana, Mom, or Granpa and give them a big kiss while looking straight at me, with me howling in protest about her giving my sugar away. I always wind up getting some though.......

 She even knows how to play Pop-Pop for a present. The other day I was going to get some money from the ATM with my daughter Caitlin, and she announced she wanted to go "shopping"..... Really now, a three year old who already has developed the "shopping" habit? I'm doomed.......

 I couldn't go shopping as I had things at the house I needed to get done. She began to pout a little and when I got to the house I opened the back door to give her a kiss goodbye. She refused to give me a kiss, that is until I leaned down and told her that I would take her shopping later and buy her some toys, at which time she promptly offered up those little lips for a kiss...... which I gladly took my sugar and had to chuckle.  I am truly committed to spending the rest of my life spoiling this child as much as I possibly can. Her Mom may have something to say about that. But, it won't matter too much because I spoiled her as much as I could, she has no room to complain.

Friends

I went with my buddy, Danny, to pick up his new trike today. This entailed getting up at 5am and riding in 40 degree weather. Not something I would normally do on my day off!!! But, he has been hankering for a specific color and make Goldwing for awhile. He happened to find one and worked a trade for it. So we rode for 51/2 hours up to Haleyville, Alabama to get it. He is happier than a kid in a candy store with a pocketful of cash and I'm happy for him. All is right in the Universe again!!!

Politics

It is Election Day, thank God! Not because I want one man or the other to win, but because all the vitriolic hyperbole will be coming to an end soon.
I am really sick of the rabid fanatics spewing their hate filled garbage in my ear, on Facebook, in just about any conversation I'm involved in. Really people, I knew where you stood in the first two minutes of your pompous long winded diatribe the first time of the thousands of regurgitations you have shared.
And guess what, I could give a fuck less. No matter how many times you think you can change my mind, get a visual clue from me rolling my eyes and sighing heavily, you can't. I understand you think I am, and even call me, stupid, a moron, un-American, and a myriad of unfriendly names, simply because I don't think or feel like you. What have I done to elicit such a strong emotion other than simply disagree with you? Amicably, if we have discussed politics, silently if we haven't, at that!
Here's a revelation for you, your opinion on my beliefs matters not one iota to me. I have formed my opinions based on my personal experiences and my personal sense of morality and compassion. My principles and core beliefs have been the same my entire adult life. I am not someone who has drifted with the times and popular societal beliefs. I accept that you think and feel differently, and do so without all the hate and disrespect you have shown me.
America was founded by people who were persecuted for their beliefs in their home countries. Yet we seem to be so intolerant of those with different ideas in this day and age. Why is that? We send our sons and daughters off to war to protect that aspect of our great nation, and to help others in the world less fortunate gain that right! So why do you cheapen their sacrifice with your hate filled postings and rants about the "other" side? You surely don't honor them by dragging their memories thru the mud by using them as political canon fodder, so fucking stop it for Christ sake.
If you can't argue your point with intelligence and even temperament without reverting to vehement, caustic comment and accusations, then PLEASE, just do the rest of us a huge favor and shut the fuck up!